I'm about to get very real in this post.I battle with panic attacks. I'm not sure when they began. I know I had moments of "foreshadowing" when I was a kid. I had a pretty secure life, so those times were few and far between.
One of the worst episodes was when I was a small child. We had gone camping in the Rockies. At one point, we planned to leave our camper/trailer behind for a day and drive to a different area. For some reason, that trailer was my security--home away from home, if you will. Leaving it there scared me. I curled up in the floor of the car (days before seatbelt laws) and refused to look out. My sisters tried everything they could think of, but I was not to be swayed. I wasn't okay again until we got back to the trailer that evening.
That's probably one of the most extreme examples from my childhood. I didn't really have major battles with this until I was an adult. Faced with the uncertainties of new jobs (especially after being fired for the first time) were especially daunting. As I've grown older, the "list" of things that set me off are numerous. And embarrassing.
After all, I've been a Christian most of my life. I should be at a place of peace and trust in God that allows nothing to penetrate it. Trials and even simple events of daily life should simply bounce off me, as I bask in the truths of God's provision. Right? Wrong.
It is a prison I long to escape. For someone who has never experienced the anxiety, sensation of not being able to breathe, heart-pounding, mind-racing, feeling-like-I'm-going-crazy world of panic attacks...well, it's hard to comprehend, I'm sure. To try to explain it is really difficult, and almost impossible. And the older I get, the harder it seems to battle.
But it cannot be oversimplified. "Just pray more, Joni." I have never prayed more than when I'm experiencing the overwhelming fears of a panic attack. "Read your Bible more." Okay. True. But that alone will not drive the anxiety away.
And the list goes on and on. Very well-meaning people who love me and only want to see me set free from this prison. But who really don't understand.
Is this simply a cross I must bear? I honestly don't know the answer. I do know that I serve a big God. I do know that I will not stop praying for Him to heal me. I do know that some day, whether here or in heaven, I will be set free from the chains that bind me in such gripping fear.
I don't know what chains you have to deal with, friend. Pray for me. And I'll pray for you.
7 comments:
You were brave to write that. I feel your pain. There is no " easy" fix for panic attacks. I am agreeing with you for your COMPLETE healing. God Bless.
Panic attacks are so real and so hard on the person going through them. I've know a few people who suffer with them. I have claustrophobia which causes me to panic when I'm in a tight situation...I understand. I will pray for you...link by link we can cast off these chains that bind us!
Pat, I also have claustrophobia. The two combined are not good. Thanks for your prayers. I'll pray for you, too!
Joy, thanks for your sweet comments. It was time for me to do this.
Joni, I am with you on this and completely understand. Thanks for sharing such a potentially devastating condition so eloquently! I love your writing and will be following...
Dear Joni, Thank you SO vERY MUCH for writing this. It took courage, I know, to share this, especially as a Christian. There's a stigma with some that says Christian means 'perfect', one with no problems, illnesses, faults, etc., and sometimes I think we fellow Christians are the hardest on ourselves and each other. You are adear friend and have always been an inspiration to me, and some advice you and your husband gave years ago led me to get the help I needed. Four years ago I was diagnosed with Manic Depression(bIpolar Disorder). I was committed, reluctantly, by my sweet sister and that's not easy to say, because I refused to get help. I felt like I'd failed God at first, and almost gave up to despair, but somehow, thankfully, God saved me. Thank you for sharing this part of your heart and life. I know that God can and will use this site/blog to help other people through their struggles, and maybe right into His arms!:) I pray that others may come to know, through this,that they are not alone, and their is One who loves them with an everlasting & merciful love, Jesus. Thank you, :) You know, sometimes His healing is in the acceptance He brings to "bear our particular cross", and sometimes He takes the thorn away. And although advice(mine included)may be well-meaning, sometimes all we need to make it through is a long,gentle, understanding hug-I'm sending mine now. Love you much-Rachel :)
Thank you for sharing that, Rachel. We all have chains to deal with...storms to walk through. I'm so thankful for His faithfulness!
Love you!
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