Saturday, August 20, 2011

Grace for the Next Breath

You ever have one of those days when it seems you need grace for each and every breath? A new infusion of the Holy Spirit for the next millisecond?

It seems as if, from the moment I decided to bare my soul on this blog, Satan has been working overtime to make me regret it. The roller coaster has gone from fear, to guilt, to embarrassment, to discouragement, to rare moments of rejoicing... Truth be told, though, the down times have been winning against the up times.

I know that the "weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds". I know that God is greater and bigger than all of the shame--yes, shame--I feel for what I suffer. (I am a Christian, right? Not supposed to worry, fear, or doubt?!) But sometimes the knowing doesn't get from my head to my heart. There's a disconnect somewhere between having the Scriptures revolving through my mind and actually walking it out.

If you read my previous post, you may think I'm repeating myself. But this is really a different matter. This isn't about struggling one day and relying on my feelings to gauge where I am with the Lord. This is about beating myself up (not physically--mentally) for not being the overcoming, victorious, conquering Christian I have been taught to be.

And to be honest, even though I know we've been made more than conquerors (and that we have the victory through Christ), I also understand a deeper truth: that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death, if, by any means, I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. (Philippians 3:10, 11) It is a true statement that our suffering is a means to redemption. What I mean is that through our sufferings, we draw closer to our Lord, as we identify with Him in that way. And, of course, suffering can serve as a flame does to gold: a purifying, refining process.

It's just that sometimes, I wish those flames weren't quite so HOT...

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