Saturday, September 13, 2008

Journeying Through the Darkness

If you stop by here occasionally to check for new posts, you have no doubt noticed the lack of new posts on my part. This is partly due to the fact that our slow Internet connection often causes too much frustration for me to sit and wait and wait and wait for it to slowly bring up the screen. It is also partly due to the fact that I am in a journey of darkness right now.

When life is rolling along know...the kids are mostly behaving...the bills are mostly paid and we have a little left in the one in our immediate family has any serious physical kids are doing well at school...etc. When life is like that, I'm okay. Life seems bright, and the path seems clear.

But every time I hit a bump in the road, I'm really not okay. My nerves get bad, so I can't sleep. Then my nerves are worse from lack of sleep. (Vicious cycle.) I worry, fret, stew...think of an adjective, I probably fit it. I have panic attacks. Life seems dark.

Well, life has handed me some pretty big bumps in the past few weeks. When that happens, I am so inwardly focused that many things go by the wayside. Blogging definitely isn't high on the priority list.

A couple of nights ago at a Bible study, a friend asked my husband and I about some of our past. At one point, hubby began recounting times in our lives when we had zilch...literally less than $10 in the bank, and paychecks not coming for a week or two (there was a time when both of us got our paychecks only once a month). And yet God provided. Always. It was tough, yes, but there was always provision. A check in the mail. Groceries dropped off anonymously, or simply just given by a friend. Unexpected money. Temporary jobs that got us through until permanent jobs came our way. He told our friends story after story. My faith was bolstered. For that night. But then a new day came along, and the darkness enveloped me again.

Why am I so faithless? Why do I allow the circumstances of life to so easily take my eyes off "Jesus, the Author and Perfecter" of my faith? Why do I become entangled in the snare of fear and doubt? I wish I knew the answer to that question.

I'm being ever-so transparent here. That's a difficult one for me. I had actually planned to simply post about all those great times in life when God has provided. But it all closed in on me again, and all I could see was the darkness, not the light.

So here I am, journeying forward. One tentative step at a time. Groping in the darkness. Searching for the light.

There's a song I used to sing as a child. The words bring a little comfort to my soul today.

The things that I love and hold dear to my heart
Are just borrowed they're not mine at all
Jesus only let me use them to brighten my life
So remind me, remind me, dear Lord.

Chorus: Roll back the curtain of memory now and then
Show me where you brought me from and where I could have been
Remember I'm human, and humans forget
So remind me, remind me, dear Lord

Nothing good have I done to deserve God's own Son
I'm not worthy of the scars in His hands
Yet he chose the road to Calvary to die in my stead
Why He loved me I can't understand.

(Remind Me, Dear Lord--I think the words and music are by Dottie Rambo)
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